Whatever happens here...we remain

The poison is the antidote...

Melancholy and the awakening of one's genius are inseparable...Yet for most of us there is much sadness and little genius, little consolation of philosophy, only the melancholic stare--what to do, what to do....Here our melancholy is trying to make knowledge, trying to see through. But the truth is that the melancholy is the knowledge; the poison is the antidote.  This would be the senex's most destructive insight; our senex order rests on senex madness. Our order is itself a madness.
~James Hillman~

Moving on from...

I can finally do this now...only after the dust settles can one ever truly discover why...

One was...

and the other was...

"I Don't Know How To Love Him"

I don't know how to love him,
What to do, how to move him.
I've been changed, yes, really changed.
In these past few days when I've seen myself
I seem like someone else.

I don't know how to take this
I don't see why he moves me.
He's a man, he's just a man.
And I've had so many men before
In very many ways:
He's just one more

Should I bring him down? Should I scream and shout?
Should I speak of love - let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this - what's it all about?

Don't you think it's rather funny
I should be in this position?
I'm the one who's always been
So calm, so cool, no lover's fool
Running every show
He scares me so.

I never thought I'd come to this - what's it all about

Yet, if he said he loved me
I'd be lost, I'd be frightened.
I couldn't cope, just couldn't cope.
I'd turn my head, I'd back away,
I wouldn't want to know -
He scares me so.
I want him so.
I love him so.

Writer(s): Tim Rice, Andrew Lloyd Webber
Copyright: MCA Music Ltd.

alone with the Alone

Broken promises...

He said he never would...

Entre Nous

Say: "Whether ye hide 

what is in your hearts 

or reveal it, Allah knows it all: 

He knows what is in the heavens, and 

what is on earth. 

And Allah has power over all things.

Qur'an 3:29

Say: "Whether ye hide what is in your hearts or reveal it, Allah knows it all: He knows what is in the heavens, and what is on earth. And Allah has power over all things.

I need a moment to deliberate

"Uninvited" 
Alanis Moriessette

Like anyone would be 
I am flattered by your fascination with me 
Like any hot-blooded woman 
I have simply wanted an object to crave 
But you, you're not allowed 
You're uninvited 
An unfortunate slight 

Must be strangely exciting 
To watch the stoic squirm 
Must be somewhat heartening 
To watch shepherd need shepherd 
But you you're not allowed 
You're uninvited 
An unfortunate slight 

Like any uncharted territory 
I must seem greatly intriguing 
You speak of my love like 
You have experienced love like mine before 
But this is not allowed 
You're uninvited 
An unfortunate slight 

I don't think you unworthy 
I need a moment to deliberate

Spoke about Divine Love today...

This love 

abuses our sense of self, 

destroys our patterns of control, 

violates our deepest beliefs, 

and takes us back to God.

When the eye of the heart is opened, everything becomes a mirror for His Face, everything a sign of His Oneness.

Everything rests in Him, and in the midst of life there is nothing other than Him.

A relationship with God offers us the sweetest torture...the softest death.

I used to think that need was not a good thing. If you had need of something, it rendered you 'helpless' which in today's world would translate to 'not a good place to be.' Having pursued a life of 'getting what I want,'  it dawned on me that fulfilling my wants wasn't enough. I woke up to the fact that I was feeling very 'dissatisfied with the present equipment of life.' I had a need that could not longer be fulfilled by the sense organs, it was a hunger that could not be met by satisfying the cravings of the appetite.

Reaching the pinnacle of my career almost five years ago,  I felt empty inside. 

It is precisely this emptiness and this need that propelled me into the current state in which I find myself today.  Outwardly, less than before, inwardly fuller than ever. Outwardly, I am half the woman I used to be, inwardly I am childlike.

I must be a mermaid...

Strangest feelings have I tasted...

inspired utterances spill forth...

these are my mermaid mutterings...

Shathiyat or ecstatic utterances are inspired mystical expressions of the Sufis. These expressions held important doctrinal and theological roles but also had legal implications in questions of heresy and infidelity.

That said, these ecstatic utterances were experienced during union with the Beloved, trance-like, literally beside themselves...and since, I am not in the same league with these spiritual beings, I call my inspired utterances, "mermaid mutterings."

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